My daughter's name is Kellye Lauren. Sensitive and intelligent, stubborn and passionate. She is unable to connect with people. The road less taken has been her path in life. The difficult path. It always will be. In her high school years when it became increasingly obvious that some connection was missing, I would hold all of my tears until my evening shower. This is when I would pray to God to save our daughter. The pain was unbearable, I wanted my life to end.
Surviving one car accident, "Kellye, God is calling you." Battling anorexia and the ever increasing distant personality, "Kellye, God is calling you." Surviving a second car accident, "Kelly, why can't you hear God?" A mother overdosing on all of her medication in front of her daughter, "Kellye, you can't hear God, can you hear my plea for you to get well?"
Home from the emergency room, my life in shatters, my beautiful daughter nearly gone to us, prayers in the shower. "God, I can't do it anymore. I give up. I let go. I give her to you." The answer from God was immediate. God had not been calling my daughter, he had been calling me.
At that moment I surrendered my life to God. My heart immediately felt light. I only spoke words of love and encouragement to my daughter not the negative begging that had no effect. She began to heal as I began this blog to tell my life's story from a point of honesty but also joy. By doing this I have truly let go of the past and am ready to flourish in the present.
I've never done this before, but I have to tell you after reading this entry in your blog, it's the first time since my son tried to harm him self two years ago, that I have felt like someone out there can relate to my despair and pain. I've been telling my husband, no one can understand how it is to live with the uncertainy of a child's devastating choices, especially when none of it makes any sense. Our son is extremely intelligent, handsome, and caring. One would think he has everything going for him and has alot to be grateful for. Parents who love him, have given him a good home and life, etc. Unfortunately, as you must have learned, you can't control your child's thoughts about themselves or others.
ReplyDeleteI too have spent years agonizing over his point of view of himself or his life, lived in fear of a repeat performance of self-destruction. I used to be very "religious" but our family was burned by a cultlike experience in a church, so God has become distant to us all. My son's problems with living have driven me to pray when nothing else would, but I didn't feel it was helping. I have never lived with such loneliness, isolation, and despair in all my life. It was destroying my marriage because I constantly took out the frustration on my husband that I didn't think I could afford on my son. I prayed and really didn't have much faith because it always seemed to come back to the same problems. I finally had an honest conversation with him about the stress I was feeling and how it was taking its toll on every area of our lives. I felt like he was holding me prisoner and no matter what I did, I couldn't make it any better. I was just waiting for the axe to fall. I was not existing at all. It was a scary thing to do, but it was my last resort. I didnt hope to guilt him into anything, I just laid it all on the line.
Somehow, since that conversation, things have been alittle better. I really don't know how long it will last, or if something will make things take a turn for the worse in the future. I still have fears and depression over the past, and feel like I've been altered forever. I never thought I'd be in a place like this. I wanted to be a good mother and love my children. I didn't know the potential was there for things to happen like this in MY life.
I know this isn't a comment but a long note. I wanted to let you know I have not had one person to relate to, and your honesty about your situation has truly touched me. I can feel some of the pain you have been through. Maybe I let go when I talked to my son, and God is helping, I just don't know. I know I was definitely trying to control everything because I thought God had dropped the ball.
I hope the future is very bright for you, your daughter, and me, and my son. If nothing else, I thank God for allowing me to connect with one person who has felt a mother's pain and anguish in the same way. It helps to not feel so isolated.
Thank you.
so i am sobbing at work reading your blog .. then .. then i read kathy's post ... i will be praying all day ... who has time to work when we have so much to be grateful for ... God bless you both and all of us ... xoxoxo
ReplyDeletewow, i don't know what to say except I'm so happy it turned out the way it did.
ReplyDelete. . . let go of the past and flourish in the present. Elizabeth, what encouraging words you speak to All of us! God is so Good. Twyla
ReplyDeleteMy breathing (creative and otherwise) stopped as I was reading first your story and then Kathy's. Sometimes it takes a while for us to "hear" what God wants us to hear but what a difference when we do. God Bless you and your family Elizabeth and may you always feel his loving arms around you. I have enjoyed reading you every day since I found you in September. There have been important lessons for us in your recollections. You may go in a different direction come May, I just hope you take us all along.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Joyce
(the word verification for today is "fibless")
Thank you for this. I am 41 and still trying to heal from the scars left by my own and others hands. It wasn’t until a year ago that I was able to release some of those demons and breathe for once in a long time. You have with your stories made me aware of the tales that we live through are little adventures that lead us to the propose we were given. I believe yours for this moment was to give us hope, joy, and faith that a path weather hard or easy leads to truth. Thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteYou never realize how trivial your own problems are until you hear of someone else's. I'm truly happy that allowing God to take over has given you peace, and my prayers will be with you that things continue to go well, God bless!
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you Elizabeth - you are truly a wonderful mom and your daughter can be so thankful she has you to call her own.
ReplyDeleteThere simply are no words....
ReplyDeletewishing you all peace.
I just read your post, and I too am crying...my own daughter has had many of the same struggles as you describe in your post. I am now raising her son...I remember the years that I agonized and suffered, pain so unbearable...I still struggle with it. She is grown now, 24 years old. Her son is my life, a shining bright spot through so much darkness. I am a nurse, worked in the OR my whole adult life, and now I have transferred to inpatient mental health. I hope to bring compassion, hope, and healing to all the "sons and daughters" of all of the broken hearted mothers. You are a lovely person..I follow your blog since finding your photostream on flickr...I deleted myself from flickr for various reasons, but you and I had shared comments back and forth. Know that you are not alone..Thank you for sharing your story..I am so very touched by it...Bless you and your daughter. Sincerely, Michaelanne
ReplyDeleteDear Kathy, I hope you read this note. I have never done anything so hard as letting go of my daughter. It truly is the only place to find peace. "I love you daughter, and I am here if you need me; but your life is your own. I choose to be move on." Repair yourself Kathy. I'm in your corner! Elizabeth mermaidmom46@columbus.rr.com
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, I am glad that you're doing better now. I remember reading your posts about your whirly twirly daughter. I too have a child (son) who is a bit disconnected from reality and we're struggling with him getting a job and starting out on his own. He has alot of medical issues and some could be life threatening. His future is so uncertain. It is not easy being a parent and loving our children so. I am glad that God has helped you. He is a great comfort and source of strength for me. Hugs and prayers for all of us! Life is not always easy.
ReplyDeleteTo all the people who've commented here: I didn't know such kind, caring, people still reach out to others in such a meaningful way.
ReplyDeleteThank you and God bless you all in your lives.
Thank you E for sharing, It is indeed really really hard! Thanks for putting your stories into your blog so the words of encouragment are always there ... I read and re-read! E in TN
ReplyDeletere:April 7'09 post and comments
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